10. Finding out my ex got a new girlfriend. (January)
This might seem really stupid but it was really a turning point for me. It was in the start of 2009 that I found out and it came as a complete shock and was something I never in a million years thought I would see. I remember the moment I found out, feeling like I got socked in the pit of my stomach. I just sat there, with him not three feet away from me in the first class of the semester. Then i just got up, leaving my stuff there and ran to the bathroom. Leaning over and bawling like a baby I realized that I had to go to my room. My friend Joe called me after he had left class realizing something was wrong and when I couldnt get a word out he came to my room, scooped me up and took me to his car. We blasted music and drove and drove and I was crying that silent shaking cry that makes you exhausted. Beach, rocks and talking by the ocean. After a while we came back and I wrote it my journal....this is a very small part of that: " its just so damn sad that something so precious and so amazing was thrown out like an old pair of sneakers. a pair thats been with you through thick and thin, a pair thats dingy and faded and worn out with holes in it but a pair thats faithful and fitted to your foot. a pair that brings luck and confidence and yet good memories at the same time. thats how i feel. thats how we were. and yet it was all thrown out without a care in the world for a pair of cheap, trendy new shoes."...."i have so much to say to you, and yet i have nothing. this is why when i see you i put my head down and act like you never existed. its just too hard to see someone who has been your best friend, your love and your future act like they hate you. so i just pretend i have never met you and you were never part of my life.ugh. your never going to read this. and i know that. and i like that.. i just wish i could know one thing.........when did i become unbeautiful to you? unlovable?"
9. Getting my credit cards under control! (July?)
This is really lame and was really sucky (wait who am I kidding? it still sucks!) But I think that the cause of the issue was really what I had to look into. Every time I was sad I would just buy something, anything. I would spend and spend and need it like a user needs drugs. It sounds like I am being really dramatic but if you knew me last year you would know this was true. Then, I had to buckle down and start making payments and trust God and well it all tied together to make a huge life lesson.
8. New York for my internship training (October)
My first time flying first class and really truly traveling on my own. Felt like a mini business trip and I LOVED it. I felt like this was what I was made to do..I love traveling and I love being spoiled. Combine the two and I was so happy. Experiencing the city was amazing too :)
This was kinda bittersweet. I was officially a "grown up". I was able to do the obvious, but had decided ahead of time I didnt want to just because I "could" mainly for the sake of my younger brother who is in middle school and who I worry a lot about in terms of peer pressure etc. But then, I decided to have one. I wasn't necessarily sad that I had drank on my 21st birthday, but I just felt like I had done exactly what I was worried my brother would do. Anyways, I put this on here because I feel that this birthday has come with a lot of me figuring out what I am ok with, and with really finding balance and boundaries. I was always taught that drinking is bad and you can't be Christian and do it, or at least that was how I took it. In my head, there was only black (you drink, party and therefore are "bad") and white (you never have a sip of it and therefore are a good God fearing Christian). But now I am realizing that there is a balance, don't go crazy but don't beat yourself up over it if you have a drink or two. I think that too often, Christians (especially those of us who were born and raised) slip up and then think "oh well I've already crossed the line..might as well keep going". But you CAN stop at one. And if you can't, or you know you will make bad choices than don't pick it up at all. I'm still trying to figure this one out.
6. Opening myself up to someone new (August-Novemberish)
This one has a lot to it and yet I dont really want to write about it. It obviously didnt work out but I really had a lot of good conversations and realized that I was a lot more open to the possibility of someone "else" than I was aware of. I had butterflies for the first time in a long time, and my fears were brought to the table so I had to deal with those too. Scary, nervous, exciting and fresh. Opening, slowly, analyzing. That's all I have to say about that!
5. Packing (May)
I packed my room up (which trust me is a LOT of stuff) and put it all in and on top of my car by myself! Before this time I had literally never lifted a finger...The best part???? As I was checking out and saying good byes.."ex" texts me with this-"need help moving your stuff?". I was so so so dang proud of myself for being independent and strong and the fact that i said "no thanks!". I am also aware that this makes me sound really spoiled but in this way, I had been and it was so empowering to do it on my own.
4. Finishing "Captivating" (August 16th)
took me a year exactly to read it because I thought it would be boring and lame and cheesy. But when I did I just sat in awe and felt utterly and completely beautiful just as I was.
3. Training for and running a 10K (May)
It hurt, I was humbled and then became addicted to it. I often ran until there was nothing left, I trained instead of cried and I remember being so angry I took it out on the pavement. Then my friends were there the night before the race with pasta and laughter and a sleepover. The end of the race brought with it the end of the school year and I was laughing and laughing and fell over. In fact, I plan on running the Wharf to Wharf this July in Santa Cruz (13 miles) which reminds me, I need to get my lazy butt started on training.
coffee. apologies. healing. processing.
1. Realizing how blessed I am.
Cheesy i know! But I really couldnt pick a moment that was worthy of number one. I have had too many nights of peeing-your-pants-laughter, too many moments of looking at my amazing family, too many moments of crying out pain that I no longer feel, too many questions that I am ok not being answered.
Overall I have no clue what I am doing with my life, who my next boy will be, where I will live and yet I am lovely and excited and ready for whatever adventure this year will take me on. And that, my friends is such an awesome place to be.
