link to my new blog

http://tatiananoelle.tumblr.com/

fresh starts.

I've been  swayed over to the world of Tumblr mainly because most of the blogs I follow are on there and I read an article in Newsweek about how amazing it was. 

It convinced me. So there i went. Plus, they have a blackberry app for Tumblr. That sealed the deal. 

Im gonna post a link to my new blog after this. Maybe I am just emotional from too many good byes but for some reason the thought of leaving blogger for tumblr is a little sad for me. 

Fresh starts seem to be my theme of the summer. 

I'm starting

To get discouraged about this.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

quick update.

one of my favorite things to do rather than ask someone how their day was is asking them their high and low. i think i'm gonna do that when i have kids and we are all sitting around the dinner table.

anyways, some highs and lows from the past couple days:

highs:
-conflict resolution
-pedicures/dinner/coffee with the lovely shelly fisi. also lots of talking and that is wonderful for the soul.
-friends who have been cooking for me all week.
-laughter
-a beautiful and free yellow dress from missy
-peace
-i have a job for sure with andrew, but there is a good chance (hoping!) that I have a "real grown up" job possibility!

lows:
-rough tumbleweeds in a friendship/conflict resolution (hate having to do it)
-flakey people
-stress
-body. i feel out of shape and gross and it's starting to bring me down. also im SO excited for my gym!
-goodbyes goodbyes goodbyes
-moving AGAIN...BACK to original summer housing. ughhhh.
-going through old memories and throwing a LOT away. this is good and hard and sad.

i love the narnia books.

from Prince Caspian:

“Aslan,” said Lucy, “you're bigger.”
“That is because you are older, little one,” answered he.
“Not because you are?”
“I am not. But every year you grow, you will find me bigger.”

its the little things

Today I had a simple, but passionate prayer.

God answered it. It has lifted my spirit in a huge way.

justice is what love looks like in public

"justice requires a level of intimacy and vulnerability, does love in a relationship or anything else- it requires you to put yourself out there, sometimes all by yourself without anybody around to applaud you and give you comfort.....when I hear 'justice is what love looks like in public' I hear a vulnerability in an individual who's willing to say, ' i refuse to believe and accept this is the way the world should be' and they step out, whether they're in a group or not."

the rest can be found here

change is starting

you  leave tomorrow.

i leave in less than 2 weeks.

neither one of us know if we will ever see each other again.

both of us agree that its strange.

but the funny thing is, both of us are hiding how we really feel and neither will let down that guard.



so here is a toast, from me to you. to all our memories, good and bad. here is to both of our new adventures in life. on our own, completely for the first time.  here is a toast of good luck, and a hope that one day, our paths will cross. and when it does it will be a sweet reminder, and a chance to look back at how much growth has happened.

here is a toast, till next time.

Today started out with the best intentions: to take care of myself. 

That got ruined more and more as each moment passed. Breaking down everything. Its like stuff was piling up on top of each other. One moment in particular, as the day was crumbling all around  me. I tried to escape, to relish in a soy caramel machiatto and a good book. But nope. Irony is there in my face ringing my order up and talking about weekend plans that once upon a time were mine. Crazy huh. I couldnt take it. But soon after, a weary and honest self had dinner with some friends and things were made whole again, even if temporarily. 

For this I am grateful. For the fact that even if for a few hours, they knew that this summer has been incredibly difficult and they didn't need to really ask why. They made me laugh, they made me fish and potatoes and told me it was a great idea that I want a pet hedgehog. They made me red velvet cookies and chocolate milk. And although the whole day was a mess, I was able to be replenished by a few hours of friendship. 

It's the little things that can make the big things bearable. 

Today the "little things" I am thankful for are:

-The smell of redwood trees on my walk

-The Pandora app on my phone

-Dominic Balli's song for Daisy

-Healthy food made with love

-laughter

-chocolate milk

-clean water to drink

-friends far away who text me

This is from a dear friend, Miss Shelly Fisi's blog which you can find here

"Getting over someone who you're truly in love with is impossible.

It is.

There's no way around it. You can go months, thinking you're fine, and one thing can bring it all back. One thing. A movie ad, a car, a sweatshirt, a paper clip.

Our hearts link onto small things without us even realizing. We can't be mad at our hearts for this. It humbles us, it keeps us grounded. It reminds us that even the strongest of us can be brought down to our knees.

In the pit of our stomach is a horrible feeling. Like someone took our insides and stuck them in a blender. We want to sleep to escape it, but somehow it follows us in our dreams, and the feeling is waiting there when we wake up.

All you can do is learn to live your life, doing the things you've always done,

by yourself this time.

Everyone says to stay positive, but I think you've earned the right to break down once in a while. It's necessary, and it helps your heart know that you acknowledge it.

So even if you've been strong thus far, take a minute to be sad, because

It's okay."

We may be struck down but we are not ever destroyed.

When that storm comes, like a hurricane

And the sun seems far away

We will not fear the winds

We will not fear the waves

I can feel your calm within

When this life is shakin

By raging seas

We are not going to be afraid

So if you walk, on waves or winds..hold my hands and ill walk again

This love is stronger than the blood that beats my heart

This love is deeper than the pain of all these scars.

This love goes farther than the hope in answer’s arms.

This love is stronger, is strong enough for me.

You lift our sorrows, befriended all our pain

All that we might rise again.

You stole my sickness

Rested in my disease, all that I might rest rest in thee.

And you alone bring healing

For you I wait

We are not gonna be afraid.

So if you walk on waves of wind, hold my hand and ill walk again

This love is stronger than the blood that beats my heart

This love is deeper than the pain of all these scares

This love goes farther than the hope in answeres arms

This love stronger and its strong enough for me

We may be crushed but we are not forsaken

We may be struck down but we are not ever destroyed.

And when that fire comes to shine on me your glory

We are not gon be afraid

This love is stronger than the blood that beats my heart

This love is deeper than the pain of all these scars.

This love goes farther than the hope in answer’s arms.

This love is stronger, is strong enough for me.

some may call it running away...im gonna call it self care.

Psalm 73:26

My flesh and my heart may(will) fail
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. 

surrendering

I am stripped of every defense mechanism I know. You are bringing me to a place of humility and grace and gratitude for Your love. The past few days I have been searching. Searching for a replacement, a fill to this void. This hole. Emptiness. Then reality struck me in a way that brought me to screeching halt. I need to surrender it all, rather than have you take it from me. 

I surrender my need to be loved.
My need to talk it out with people, my need for validation.
My need for tangible comfort.
A need to be busy, be productive.
I surrender my tears. My attempt to cover them up.
I surrender my goals, my plans, my need to comfort others as well.
The comforting of others in order to receive validation in being needed. Codependency.
I surrender my need to be needed.
I surrender my time. The time I waste in trying to not face this all head on.
Here I am. You have all this from me, willingly.
You are being productive within me, You are doing work in me before I can be used. I need to be not only satisfied with that but in awe that You would choose me.

I need to find comfort in You before attempting to seek it out in others. I need to not set a deadline to this process. (August 5th, April, Hawaii) All that can wait until You are done with me.

I give it all.

But I am so exhausted of this pain. Of holding it all back, all the time. I thought I saw a light at the end of  tunnel last week and I know now that it was a way to keep me going. But oh man this is a full time job.

I am going to choose to worship during this process more than ever before. I have to, in order to keep going.

so simple and so beautiful.

Wrap Your soft arms around me

And never let me go

Just enough that I can breathe

You know just how much I need

If our lives lacked suffering, they would lack depth. Freedom from pain brings a shallow and superficial relationship w/Christ.

Today was a good day.

I got my camera back...finally (although dropping 250 for it suckkkkeed BUT its nice to have it done. When I gave him my cash Jeci said "well looks like you need to downsize your crap your moving" haha so true. and done.)

look how wonderful:

I also stopped by the BU bookstore after work because Jeff is leaving (the manager) and he is really sweet. So I went to say good bye to him. We talked a bit because I would always be in there visiting Dave during the semester and therefore Jeff and I became friends. Anyways..all semester I would come in and look at this particular book : 

But I never had money to buy it. Anyways..super sweet Jeff gave me a huge discount (that he probably shouldnt have but it was his last day so who cares!) and I got it. I am so excited. I was walking to  my room for my lunch break and already got through a chapter. Here's a tidbit: "What I find interesting is the simple thought that the Christians didnt name themselves. But rather they were called "Christians" by those watching thier lives. I wonder if it would be the same today...the life that Jesus calls us to is absolute craziness to the world. Sure its fine and politically correct to believe in God to really love Him is a whole different story. Yeah its nice and generous to give to the needy at Christmas or after some disaster but to sacrifice your own comfort and welfare for another may  look like madness to a safe and undisturbed world...." (and from the back cover)  "The answer to religious complacency isnt working harder at a list of do's and dont's- it's falling in love with God. And once you encounter His love, you will never be the same. Because when youre wildly in love with someone, it changes everything." 

I am totally stoked to start reading this. BUT even better...(this might be gross in a sec, wait for it) I got a new Bible! for 10 bucks! I am actually someone who loves a really worn in Bible and looovveedd the one I had during my time in college. I got it for my 18th birthday and it was perfect. Big font, perfect size, leather. I had brochures and pamphlets from churches all over the world (literally). I had my Bible class notes all over the pages. But then...when I went to clean my car one day, it was covered in green fuzzy stinky mold. Thanks car that floods and molds every single time it rains. I sprayed it with vinegar like I always do to my car and still the mold stayed. I air dried it, and tried to scrub the mold off but to no avail. It was a very disturbing moment for me to throw it away the other day but I figured no one would apreciate me taking that to church. Today, however I was totally blessed once again by Jeff with a smaller version of the same Bible! for 11 dollars no joke. I had a hard time spending money on these two books today actually because money is so tight but I knew I couldnt pass this up. I am in love with this Bible and since I have no car anymore hopefully it will stay mold free :(

I had a lightness today that I havent had all summer. I even had therapy and was able to just sort through layers and layers and be grateful and I was excited to realize the growth that has already happened. It's almost like when you diet and feel no difference because it happens so slow but then you go to put on your favorite jeans and they barely stay on. Suddenly you are encouraged and want to keep going. That was today. (although I have gained 10 pound this summer so that sucks haha..I CANT WAIT FOR MY GYM ahhhhhhagalkjsdflkjei21094)

Anyways. therapy. It was like those jeans. My heart has little flip flops that resemble the butterflies of a new crush but there is no boy in sight. Just the glimpse of my old self. Before the exhaustion, before the heartbreak, before the assault. A glimpse of my True Self: joyful, childish, excited, passionate, strong (willed haha), reflective, compassionate, creative. Sides of me that I have almost had to cover up with a serious self and busyness and realism since long before I can remember. 

Today was a great day. Thank you Jesus. 

thankful for...

I am thankful for creativity.

That part in our true self that is innate. It may come out in different forms- artistically, musically, relationally or some other sort. But think about it...

Without creativity we would have no outlet to express emotions, express how we feel about people we love (or have loved). Think about music and how someone else's creativity can sometimes better explain through lyrics how we feel. Think about how a picture can capture so much. It allows us to feel. To connect.

He creates us this way, we are made in His image and my gosh is He creative. Simply look at flowers. The bright awe inspiring colors, the different and delicate shapes of petals and leaves. When we are expressing ourselves through this creativity we are not only connecting with others, ourselves. We are also connecting with Him. It is a way to be vulnerable. Sometimes we don't even know where that road is headed but if we just allow ourselves to go with it and see where He wants us to go we might be able to create something beautiful.

Today I realized I am grateful for creativity. Although lately it has been stifled by the critical, perfectionist side of me I know that when I let go it allows me to see deeper into myself than I might want to. My Creative Writing class was like that. Simple prompts would seem shallow at first but then as I let my critical planning go and just put pen to paper and allowed words to float onto the pages it all spilled out. As characters were formed and plots twisted and words unmistakably chosen I came to learn more about myself and my perspective on so much.  Later I would dig deeper. Why that character? Why that sentence or ending?

Imagine the world without creativity. Be grateful for it. Then go use it. Express. Connect.

Weight of the world

Today I woke up heartbroken for so much and for so many people. I felt as though I was carrying sadness for the world.

Then I thought about how He does that all the time and how crazy is that.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

together in our alone

words from my "roommate":


"My world is dull, gray, cold. Tears common my cheeks. But when i turn my face into the Sunshine, they glisten, catch its rays and flash a fragment of color that splashes my face, travels down to my heart, and gives it a squeeze. Each squeeze captures that moment of color, treasuring it close to me & storing it in little jars within. Hope is someday, those jars will be filled and the Master Painter will dip His brushes in those colors using them to paint rainbows spanning across my dull gray misery. That moment will be hope realized. No longer will i be confined to keeping my soul alive by nibbling on those morsels of hope hidden, but my entirety will awaken in a world so colorful that everyone will share in its beauty. "Look, look! See what He has painted?! Isn't it beautiful? He transformed pain into paint, shining His glorious white Light into the molecules of each tear, creating a prism that reveals a Rainbow."

Rainbow. The Painter's promise. Hope.

You see, Light itself can never be seen; it is only visible from that which it reflects. Yet, through our tears, Light can be refracted in such a way that produces a spectrum of color.




But this does not happen automatically. In order to reveal its kaleidescope, our tears must first face the Sun."

parts of a self.

"I am lost, hurt, lonely and broken. I yearn for love and when I can't have that it makes me question everything I have ever believed in" says the sad self.

"stop complaining, your life is fine. Look at everyone else, everyone has issues and yours are stupid" says the logical self.

"Be smart. You are a strong, passionate, courageous woman. You will get through this, just focus on the goal" says the encouraging self.

"Haven't you learned stupid girl? Run away before it hurts again. Stay busy so that becomes your excuse. Run away from them before they leave you. Protect yourself, because no one else will do it for you" says the guarded self.

"I am weary, please let me take a break for I have been doing this job for far too long" says the avoiding self.

"I am here. I have given you these struggles because I know you can handle it. All your parts are protecting you from that deep hurt so be grateful to them, for you were not ready. Now you are. My wonderful, beautiful, vulnerable, strong, passionate daughter of Mine. My broken, crumpled, scared creation. I have placed you in a cocoon. And you struggle now. But you see, I've created these marvelous wings for you...but you must struggle in order to grow into them...without this, you wouldn't be able to fly." -Him.

"I think that if God forgives us we must forgive ourselves. Otherwise, it is almost like setting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him." 

“Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.”

lesson for today:

"The heart never takes the place of the head: but it can, and should, obey it."

so yesterday I started cracking up because I realized that I have become a total yuppie.  I have a macbook which I am in love with and obsess over the newest apple and mac news. I have my i-touch, i-cal and and i-life (lol) all synced to my blackberry which I also am constantly researching. I drink my coffee with soy milk and shop at trader joes. I learned how to make my fruit organic at home.  And lastly...I have now become that person who starts a sentence with "my therapist says...".

Oh My GOSH. When did all of this happen?

Here is a self portrait, dont be jealous of my skills:

They say you are what you eat...I must have eaten way more muffin tops than I thought.

Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart tell me why
Are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and only
So many hours in a day
Slow down you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be Before your time


Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight (tonight)
Too bad but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself
That you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong
You know you can't always see when you're right(you're right)



Slow down you crazy child
Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while
It's alright you can afford to lose a day or two




When will you realize...
Vienna waits for you.

things are looking up :)

my mom said i wouldnt do this...

so of course, i did.

I have my very own "registry" at Target. In honor of graduating and moving back home, kinda. And in honor of being very broke. And in honor of being single.  And childless.

so here is the link: My future home.

life update

--> This past weekend was wonderful. I was able to see some friends and have good late night talks about this summer and life. It was refreshing to get off campus and be separated from a few aspects of summer housing that haven't been all that pleasant. We were able to let loose and just enjoy life and summer.  I got to chat with Miss Shelly for quite a bit over coffee (chats and coffee together are one of my favorite combinations) and I got both excited and sad over next year. It was a very strange feeling to not be going "back to school" in the fall. Later that night I got to have a deep talk with Miss Katrina about our friendships and lessons we have been learning. It was much needed.  This was also my first "good bye" of the summer and it wasn't so bad. I think it's better that I do them individually rather than a huge group one. 

--> I have also been trying to sell my car. People are very flakey and its very frustrating. This goes the same for Scotts Valley parents who don't pay their nannies. Rude. 

--> This move is stressful and I am really worried for my first month that I will be living in Orlando. Someone brought up if these were maybe doors being shut and maybe I am not supposed to be going there at all. As they were talking I was trying not to show my own doubts or fears because trust me, that goes through my head all the time. But time is ticking and it's at the point that even IF it was the wrong decision I kinda am stuck with it because where else am i going to go? It also bothered me because I need all the support I can get right now, but because of all the stressors I just. Don't. Know. I kept thinking this summer "if only I can just get there and then it will all be ok" but now I am realizing that it's not. Life for me isn't ever NOT stressful, especially financially.  This person who was telling me all the "closed doors" made it a point to say how they thought this was the easy way out, and that life isn't always going to hand me everything and how I might never get a "vacation from life" like this. First of all, when has anything ever just been handed to me? I know people work a lot harder than me to make it, but trust me, I have earned my share. I could go on about this but that hurt the most. That someone would think I was choosing the easy way out. This  move is stressful and emotional and even once I get there it won't be easy. 

And even IF it was easy all around. EVEN IF the move was paid for, my car was being shipped to FL and I had money in my savings account, don't I deserve that at least once? This whole talk was coming from someone who has never had a bill in their life. And I think what hurt the most was that I already have doubts, I am afraid, I am sad, I am stressed. I need encouragement even if my decision was to move to Nebraska and live on a goat farm. 

--> Venting aside, I may have found my dream job. No joke. I want to write and be in the journalism field right? But I want to do it for something with a bigger cause. I want to expose and question and make people think. So one of my favorite magazines, RELEVANT is a christian publication, which normally I don't like. It's not that I am against Christian writing or magazines but lets face it, how often do they really make you think? Its always the same big haired blonde wives talking about how they only let their kids watch christian cartoons or something. Not applicable to me. 

But this magazine (check it out here please!!! you will love it) really focuses on the 20 something, modern view on Christian spirituality. They emphasize digging deeper into the stuff we have been taught our whole life. They have VARIOUS points of view on politics, the arts, social justice, culture etc. They even have a branch off publication that only focuses on the social justice aspect of Christianity, called Reject Apathy. There they focus on five main pillars of injustice: poverty (domestic homelessness as well as extreme global poverty and its effects), preventable disease (waterborne illnesses, AIDS, maleria etc), Loss of Innocents (explores human trafficking, child soldiers etc), Unjust war (situation in the Congo, genocide in Rwanda etc) and lastly creation care (environmentalism as a way to see our relationship with what God created for us and how we should take care of it). 

Whew, now that I just advertised for them..the point is that as I was looking on their website and thinking about how awesome they are, I had the curious thought of how cool would it be to work for them. Then I scrolled to the bottom and low and behold..guess where they are located? ORLANDO freaking FLORIDA. 

Crazy. 

So I emailed someone and sent my resume. Simple. 

girlfriends

There is something so special and unique to the friendship between girls. As someone who has almost always had male "best friends" this was something I resisted, then accepted, and finally cherished in college. 

Because your girlfriends will lay in bed with you, holding you through your sobs. They will bring you flowers on a random Wednesday. They will laugh and take ugly pictures with you just to crack up till your sides are splitting. They will hold your hand or hook arms, a strong beautiful army ready to take on whatever battle that day brings. That battle could be anything and it doesn't matter. They will come in your room and do your hair for you when you have lost all motivation to function. They will take you shopping, encouraging spending a whole paycheck on gorgeous lacy underthings so that you feel special no matter what the world is throwing at you. They will see your tears welling up during class, grab you and leave class to "dance it out" in thier room. Coming back breathless but giggling. Girlfriends fly home with you because you are moving and scared. Girlfriends know your starbucks order and your allergies. They wax your legs for you. They hug you past that awkward tense moment, letting your tears become part of their shoulders. They will understand that certain sights, smells, sounds are a trigger and will grab your knee under the lunch table, a quiet unspoken "I am here". 

When I see young girlfriends, teenage girls, wives and mothers, and old wrinkly girlfriends I always smile to myself. It fills me with warmth because there are fewer happier sights than a group of friends giggling and laughing together. Or sitting and crying, holding each other. Because guys dont have that same experience. Their friendships are wonderful in their own ways but Girlfriends, now that is beauty. 

I am so ready for some "girlfriend time" this weekend. 

Having some old Circus Hall girls come visit reminded me of this, a creed that one of our fellow Circus Girls wrote: 

My circus ladies aren't just any group of girls, we are women. We are women of esteem and power. We are females who fight the fight and win the war. We are sexy, daring, and confident. We have honed our skills in the art of sociable society to a fine razored edge. We are dancers, writers, teachers, and some of us are learners. We are lionesses of the trade, yet lambs of the Father. We are beautiful, sensible and downright strong. We build one another up, only to tear down the ones who try to come between us. We are believers, we are givers, and we are receivers. Our sorrows are justifiable through He who strengthens us. And our weaknesses are his strengths. We are lovers, defenders, leaders, and followers. With eyes and hearts wide open, we take life by the horns and ride it through. We are daughters, we are sisters, we are friends... we are Circus.

THIS WEEKEND!!!!

...My friends Shelly and Katrina are coming to visit me!

They have no idea how much I miss them and need them and am ready for it. It's a little bittersweet though because they are kinda coming to "say goodbye" which is weird. But I am going to pretend like it's just a little friendly hang out time.

But again, truth be told, if you’re looking for the guilty you need only look into a mirror.

Your all I want, All I need.

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?

holy crap. i am stressed.

More and more I am ready to be there. I am ready to be in my own house, well kind of.  At least not in a shared dorm room, with boxes everywhere and stressed to the max. 

I want to whine. I know its not mature. But every time I think I have a hold on this, something comes up. I thought I had an amazing job replacement for the last job and the night before I am supposed to start they cancel. So now I am back to square one.  Job hunting. Because with the hours I am allowed to work/the tiny amount I get paid at work...I am not going to be able to move anywhere. 

I think I am too overwhelmed. Because last night I realized that my favorite chair that I got this year also needs to get sent. I dont even know where to start.  This sent me on an anxiety attack. 

Over a damn chair. This is not healthy. I need to just be there already. 

story of this year. maybe it will change soon? :)

I called, You answered.

It's official. 

I am ok with it now, it's going to be bittersweet, of course. But the other night I had a complete meltdown so I think everything came up and even feelings I didn't know I would have were brought up. I was lying in bed and all of a sudden this sense of anxiety welled up in the pit of my stomach and I couldnt breath and I was scared I was going to wake up  my roommate. So naturally, I went to my car. I brought my macbook for music (no working radio in my car and my ipod was dead) which worked out bc I ended up sobbing and writing, writing and heaving. 

My thoughts from that moment, or some of them. Because privacy and intimacy between Him and I is vital. 

God I know this is going to be good. I know it. But it doesn’t make it hurt any less. My whole body is aching because I cant even begin to start the goodbyes. How do I just close this amazing, and hard chapter. That’s why im sobbing. Because this chapter has been so hard. I have messed up so much God, I don’t even know how you take me back. I have dealt with a lot and I think I know I need to go home because of that..but that means I have to FACE why I am going home? And just thinking about that…makes my body hurt. I wish it would have been all good times. This is physical pain, remembering.

Now granted, the majority of college was life changing for the positive. Or else saying goodbye would mean nothing and I would have gone home a long time ago. But remembering all the other aspects, that I have tried to avoid is not an option any more. 

I am remembering freshmen year. God I made so many mistakes. What I wanted over what I had. I wish I had that now. Then the hurt. The dealing and not dealing with that. 

Sophomore year.…what an amazing time.  But still looking at what my priorities were makes me want to apologize for so  much. Sorry sorry sorry. God I am so sorry. I am awful.  Dirtier than the lowest of low. I messed up so much.  I wish I could take it all back. Start fresh. Be clean. God Im so sorry. 

Summer after that. Hurt beyond hurt I have ever felt. To literally feel someone losing love for you is the worse thing. Its beyond words. To lose control to lose a person to be belitted.  Re shaping of your very core. Anger and fear. I never want to visit that place again.

Junior year. Pain. Shattered. Dreams gone. I trusted in God at first...I was beyond a mess. I let go of every thing. I was so lost. And hurt. And it was layers of hurt.

Senior year I think I began to heal, but only on my end. Because when ____ left…it hurt….more than it should have. But its because of the past four years.

Hurt. That’s the best I can sum up the past four years. There were amazing and fun and laughing and deep talks and so much in between but overall there was a lot of hidden hurt. And its coming up now.  Realizing how much I didn’t deal with…

 And just like that…as I am sobbing and literally crying out sorry sorry sorry this song plays:

Amazing grace. How sweet the sound. That saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now im found. Was blind but now I see…..so clearly. Grace like rain.  Falls down on me. Alleluah and all my stains are washed away. 

I am humbled. Because I am wretched. I cant say I am sorry enough. I know that the past 4 years were my story…and I cant look back with regret but God I do.  I know there was a reason you had me there . I have brushed this stuff aside for too logn and its just gotten harder and harder to keep it up. 

So ill stand..with arms high and heart abandoned. In awe of the one who gave it all…so ill stand..my soul lord to You surrendered. All I am is Yours.