I am ok with it now, it's going to be bittersweet, of course. But the other night I had a complete meltdown so I think everything came up and even feelings I didn't know I would have were brought up. I was lying in bed and all of a sudden this sense of anxiety welled up in the pit of my stomach and I couldnt breath and I was scared I was going to wake up my roommate. So naturally, I went to my car. I brought my macbook for music (no working radio in my car and my ipod was dead) which worked out bc I ended up sobbing and writing, writing and heaving.
My thoughts from that moment, or some of them. Because privacy and intimacy between Him and I is vital.
God I know this is going to be good. I know it. But it doesn’t make it hurt any less. My whole body is aching because I cant even begin to start the goodbyes. How do I just close this amazing, and hard chapter. That’s why im sobbing. Because this chapter has been so hard. I have messed up so much God, I don’t even know how you take me back. I have dealt with a lot and I think I know I need to go home because of that..but that means I have to FACE why I am going home? And just thinking about that…makes my body hurt. I wish it would have been all good times. This is physical pain, remembering.
Now granted, the majority of college was life changing for the positive. Or else saying goodbye would mean nothing and I would have gone home a long time ago. But remembering all the other aspects, that I have tried to avoid is not an option any more.
I am remembering freshmen year. God I made so many mistakes. What I wanted over what I had. I wish I had that now. Then the hurt. The dealing and not dealing with that.
Sophomore year.…what an amazing time. But still looking at what my priorities were makes me want to apologize for so much. Sorry sorry sorry. God I am so sorry. I am awful. Dirtier than the lowest of low. I messed up so much. I wish I could take it all back. Start fresh. Be clean. God Im so sorry.
Summer after that. Hurt beyond hurt I have ever felt. To literally feel someone losing love for you is the worse thing. Its beyond words. To lose control to lose a person to be belitted. Re shaping of your very core. Anger and fear. I never want to visit that place again.
Junior year. Pain. Shattered. Dreams gone. I trusted in God at first...I was beyond a mess. I let go of every thing. I was so lost. And hurt. And it was layers of hurt.
Senior year I think I began to heal, but only on my end. Because when ____ left…it hurt….more than it should have. But its because of the past four years.
Hurt. That’s the best I can sum up the past four years. There were amazing and fun and laughing and deep talks and so much in between but overall there was a lot of hidden hurt. And its coming up now. Realizing how much I didn’t deal with…
Amazing grace. How sweet the sound. That saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now im found. Was blind but now I see…..so clearly. Grace like rain. Falls down on me. Alleluah and all my stains are washed away.
I am humbled. Because I am wretched. I cant say I am sorry enough. I know that the past 4 years were my story…and I cant look back with regret but God I do. I know there was a reason you had me there . I have brushed this stuff aside for too logn and its just gotten harder and harder to keep it up.
So ill stand..with arms high and heart abandoned. In awe of the one who gave it all…so ill stand..my soul lord to You surrendered. All I am is Yours.