today was completely awful...again.

this summer is not what i was expecting AT ALL. but i know there has to be some bigger reason for me being here, instead of florida. i hope there is.

i expected:
-> days on the beach (havent been there once)
-> reading with my best friend (i hardly see her)
-> a summer boy (psh. THAT didnt work out)
-> making money (groceries, broken car = broke girl)
-> painting (havent picked up a brush yet)


but more importantly..

a lightness. instead i am falling and stumbling so far in "real life", i am processing a lot and i am lonely. i am deeply, deeply lonely. i feel like such a complainer. this is not a deep post. i have no energy to overanalyze the various lessons God is teaching me, or to put it in a better way but i am just sad. and i cant apologize for that, because to do that would mean i would be apologizing for being REAL.

but i just thought that i would graduate and all my problems would go away and i would lead this wonderful grown up life.

also. broken hearts, i have realized....come in all shapes and sizes literally.

some are the fall-to-your-knees, crying your chest out, every time you see them it aches kind of broken heart.

some are a friendship that fell apart. its awkward, you smile that tight closed lipped smile when you have to. but neither person gives in to that feeling in the pit of your stomach.

and some are little bumps in the road. a lesson learned. but those little lessons get piled on top of the big heart aches instead of erase them. its just a chapter that you would rather skip over but know its vital to your story.