I am stripped of every defense mechanism I know. You are bringing me to a place of humility and grace and gratitude for Your love. The past few days I have been searching. Searching for a replacement, a fill to this void. This hole. Emptiness. Then reality struck me in a way that brought me to screeching halt. I need to surrender it all, rather than have you take it from me.
I surrender my need to be loved.
My need to talk it out with people, my need for validation.
My need for tangible comfort.
A need to be busy, be productive.
I surrender my tears. My attempt to cover them up.
I surrender my goals, my plans, my need to comfort others as well.
The comforting of others in order to receive validation in being needed. Codependency.
I surrender my need to be needed.
I surrender my time. The time I waste in trying to not face this all head on.
Here I am. You have all this from me, willingly.
You are being productive within me, You are doing work in me before I can be used. I need to be not only satisfied with that but in awe that You would choose me.
I need to find comfort in You before attempting to seek it out in others. I need to not set a deadline to this process. (August 5th, April, Hawaii) All that can wait until You are done with me.
I give it all.
But I am so exhausted of this pain. Of holding it all back, all the time. I thought I saw a light at the end of tunnel last week and I know now that it was a way to keep me going. But oh man this is a full time job.
I am going to choose to worship during this process more than ever before. I have to, in order to keep going.