Being that we are at the "death" chapters now (fitting since we are about to head into "dead week"), going to class has been awful. I get depressed and then make jokes so I dont have to feeeeeeel anything (who wants to do that anyways!?) and then people look at me like I have six heads. Because you can't joke around about death. It has to be sad sad sad. Now, of course it's sad but thats why i try to make the jokes. Duh.
Anyways, the same exact week that my grandfather passed away, I walk into class (still trying to process what this means, how it will affect my family, how do i feel seeing as I really just met him this year, and basically running all these things through my head...) and my teacher of course announces that we will have to write our own freaking obituaries.
Are you kidding me?
I look over at my friend Kat (there are probably 17 "Cats" and "Kats" at my school). She is always happy, always laughing, always with people. I look over at her expecting her to make a joke with me. Except she doesnt. Tears are running down her cheeks and it doesnt help when my teacher ALSO announces that today we have a special speaker, a hospice worker who will describe the death process in freaking detail.
Kat's grandmother died this weekend.
She cant sit through class, she gets up and leaves, crying. Suddenly I develop restless leg syndrome (never had it in my life) and cant sit in class either. Uncomfortable. Hearing about this. I like making jokes better and in my head im trying to tune this lady out as she hands out pamphlets on death and funerals and counseling, but she wont let me. She calls on me and asks if I have ever had experience with hospice. I rudely say yes but i DONT want to talk about it because all i see in my head is the face of my neighbor two years ago when he got wheeled out of his house. Last time I saw him. His face reminded me of a painting by Edvard Munch and I want this image out of my head so the minute class ends I run and run and run to my room and lock lock lock the damn door.
Later, when Kat and I sat down together (after some much needed talking and crying, tissues and hugs) we decided that there was no way no how we could write our own obituaries seriously. Our teacher wanted us to write them and explain our legacy and how amazing our lives had been and how we loved to garden in our old age etc etc.
But we had a different plan. We text our friend Easton (who is also in this class and cant do the assignment seriously either) and we all write our obituaries, incorporating all our lives together in a weaving crazy storyline. Kat and I laugh and laugh making them more outrageous, knowing we are probably going to fail the assignment but who cares because who really makes someone write thier own death notice!?
SO...here is mine :) please notice the "notebook" references.
Legendary Alumnus Passes away in 2071, is now with Our Heavenly Father
Student from early 2000’s suffers from love gone awry
Tatiana Noelle Delatorre was tragically murdered on November 6th, of this year at the typically celebratory Bethany Homecoming Celebration. She lived a full and eventful life beginning on June 7th, 1988 in Santa Barbara, CA. She grew up there with the exception of high school which she completed in Orlando, FL. Upon graduation in 2006, she moved to Scotts Valley, CA to attend college at Bethany University, getting her degree in both Communications and Social Science. There she was pursued by many men due to her charm and wit but did not get married, choosing instead to have a life of luxury and adventure.
She attended graduate school for Investigative Reporting at UC Berkeley where she was known for her brilliance and ability to uncover injustice in the world. Tatiana traveled around the world writing for various publications and met her first husband in Thailand when she saved him from a snake attack. He was smitten after that and they eloped in France, where they eventually settled down. He was, however involved in various mafia activity and they divorced when he found out she only married him to get closer to uncovering a long term research piece. The article won Tatiana her first of many Pulitzer Prizes.
With the money that followed her success she bought herself a luxury apartment and hired a full time security guard who resembled Justin Timberlake, but with double the arm circumference. Eventually she got married to a handsome but boring stock broker, settling for a more expected life due to her mother’s pressure to do so.
Despite her dream of wanting only boys and for them to be actively in sports, she is survived by one daughter who is well known in the Ultimate Fighting Championship world. She also adopted a son later in life hoping to enroll him in the best football program, but disowned him when he became a Broadway star.
She came back to Bethany University this year for the annual homecoming celebration due to her lifetime commitment to Student Government that she unknowingly signed. While there, she ran into an old friend, Easton Friedling who was a professional Edward Cullen impersonator. It was raining outside when she saw him and his wife with their eleven children. The two of them escaped from their spouses and went for a boat ride in the flooded Redwood Bowl. It was there that they rediscovered their love and passion from their days of youth. They began to shout their feelings to each other with Tatiana asking him why he had never written her, how she had waited and waited and now its too late. Easton responded that he had “written 365 letters, one every day for a year and you never wrote back…it wasn’t over for me and its still not over!”
The yelling got so loud that Easton’s wife came down with their eleven children and began to sense what was going on. At that moment, Kat Heinrich who was visiting her roommate (and had undiagnosed swine flu) was overcome with animalistic rage and tore off his wife’s arm and beat her to death with it. Confused because of his obsession with Twilight and his refueled passion, he turned to Tatiana and ripped her neck apart while Kat laughed in her maniac state.
The two of them were tranquilized and Kat eventually succumbed to her swine flu, dying just days later.
The Memorial for Tatiana will be in her dorm room where she made memories and lasting friendships, provided open dorms can be scheduled.
TATIANA AND EASTON..HALLOWEEN.
KAT ON HALLOWEEN